Four phrases that help others feel seen and heard

Executive overview

Leaders often treat curiosity as a tool for extracting information. But deep curiosity — curiosity from the heart — is a force for connection that makes others feel seen and heard.

Scott Shigeoka, author of Seek, argues that moving from shallow to deep curiosity requires specific language habits. Four phrases unlock this shift. Each costs nothing to say; each changes how much others open up.

The goal is not consensus — it is genuine understanding of another person's inner world.

Shallow vs. deep curiosity

• Shallow curiosity gathers surface facts: name, job, location.
• Deep curiosity surfaces values, stories, relationships, and what someone truly wants.
• Example contrast: "What's your name?" (shallow) vs. "What's the story of your name?" (deep).
• The shallow is a gateway — you don't reach the deep without passing through it first.
• Neither is better; they serve different purposes.

"I don't know"

• Most leaders avoid this phrase, fearing it signals weakness or incompetence.
• Research shows the opposite: saying "I don't know" demonstrates intellectual humility.
• It makes you appear more communal, less arrogant, and — counterintuitively — more competent.
• It opens a bridge: when you admit you don't have all the answers, others see their own imperfection reflected and feel safe to be themselves.
• Leaders who always project certainty can push people away.

"Tell me more"

• People constantly make bids for attention — small invitations to connect — that leaders routinely miss.
• A child pointing at a bird, a colleague mentioning a project lesson: these are bids, not just statements.
• "Tell me more" signals that the bid was heard and the person matters.
• Critical when someone shares something negative ("I didn't play well today"): resist the reflex to reassure or correct. Ask "tell me more about what felt off" instead.
• Correcting someone's self-assessment removes their sense of being seen; curiosity preserves it.
• Confidence is self-trust — and it's built when others treat your own read of reality as valid.
• "Tell me more" also interrupts your own assumptions and biases before they close off useful information.
• Tone matters as much as the words: asked with genuine curiosity, not as a demand.

"I understand you're more than your job"

• When someone's output drops, the instinct is to restore performance. The prior step — acknowledging the whole person — is usually skipped.
• Personal relationships, family stress, health, and world events all ripple into professional life.
• Acknowledging this reality (not commenting on it, not agreeing with it) is what belonging looks like in practice.
• Distinction: acknowledge ≠ comment. Leaders don't need to opine on geopolitical events; they do need to recognize that team members may be carrying them.
• Curiosity is earned through trust. Not every question deserves an answer; consent and boundaries apply.
• You can name your own discomfort while still staying focused on the other person: "I'm feeling a mix of emotions, but I want to stay focused on where you're coming from."
• Leaders who hold the full humanity of their people build cultures with lower turnover and stronger belonging.

"Who else?"

• The assumption that answers live only at the top cuts organizations off from distributed wisdom.
• Pixar includes everyone — including accounting staff — in film reviews, because distance from the material and different life experience produces insight that insiders miss.
• The MRI-redesign-as-theme-park example: designers asked where children willingly strap into machines and feel excitement, then applied that insight to hospital equipment.
• "Who else?" extends to "where else?" — what adjacent field, experience, or perspective holds the answer?
• Broadening who gets to contribute is itself an act of making people seen and heard.

Curiosity as a practice, not just language

• The phrases are starting points; curiosity can also be experiential — going to unfamiliar places and people.
• Shigeoka drove across the US to attend a Trump rally as an Asian American, progressive, queer person — the people he expected to fear turned out to be more complex than the mental model.
• Therapists use exposure to reduce phobias: contact with the feared thing, incrementally, reduces its power. Curiosity works the same way.
• Curiosity toward what frightens you changes your relationship to it — not by producing agreement, but by replacing a caricature with a person.
• The Truth and Reconciliation Commission in Canada is a large-scale example: Indigenous and non-Indigenous Canadians sharing stories across difference, building understanding without requiring consensus.