How to change someone's mind using a four-step formula

Executive overview

Trying to control or directly contradict someone rarely changes their mind. People have a subconscious question running beneath every disagreement: does your position affirm my identity?

A four-step formula bypasses resistance by leading with respect before stating your view.

The key is affirming the person and their identity, not just their argument.

The four-step formula

1. Resist the desire to control — the other person has the right to their own position
2. Affirm their position — find the part where they are right and say so explicitly; "you are right" is close to magical for getting someone to listen
3. State your view — use "my view is…" rather than "the truth is…" or "you should think…"
4. Affirm them as a person — close by expressing genuine respect for them, independent of the outcome

The subconscious conversation

• Every disagreement has two conversations: one about the topic, one about identity
• The listener is silently asking: does your position affirm who I am?
• People can decide your position has merit on their own — your job is to create the conditions for that
• Appealing to heart, respect, and identity is more effective than logic alone
• Works in business meetings, with a spouse, with kids, in public debate