Three steps to soliciting feedback that actually gets results

Executive overview

Most leaders want feedback but receive almost none — especially from direct reports. The instinct to defend, explain, or ask only once kills the conversation before it starts.

Ask repeatedly, ask for specific behavior, and respond without defending.

Why feedback is so hard to get

• Senior leaders often operate in a feedback vacuum — even VPs rarely hear honest input from their bosses
• Ability to have a feedback conversation signals broader skill at difficult conversations
• High emotional intelligence shows in soliciting feedback, not just giving it
• Poor listening — not asking follow-up questions, asking self-promotional questions — signals you don't really want input
• The "expert" identity makes asking feel like vulnerability, blocking genuine curiosity

Step 1: Ask often

• A single ask — no matter how sincere — will not produce honest feedback
• Direct reports give a thin slice of their real view the first time; trust builds across repeated asks
• The person with a poor relationship to you will deflect the first time; consistent asking signals safety
• Consistency also prompts the other person to start noticing and preparing feedback between conversations
• Calendar it: schedule the next ask three weeks out so it becomes a concrete to-do

Step 2: Ask for behavior (start, stop, continue)

• "How am I doing as your boss?" invites a grade, not actionable information
• Start, stop, continue reframes the ask around observable behavior:
  • "What should I start doing to be more effective for you?"
  • "What should I stop doing?"
  • "What's working well that I should keep doing?"
• Don't ask all three at once — pick one question per conversation
• "What could I start doing?" is less threatening and easier to answer even in a poor relationship
• Behavioral themes emerge across multiple people: if six people say "listen more," the pattern is clear regardless of how each phrases it

Step 3: Respond short

• Two responses only: "Thank you" or "Help me understand"
• Any justification, explanation, or counter-argument slams the door — the person who stepped in won't step in again
• Use "help me understand" only when you don't know what to actually change tomorrow based on what you heard
• Clarify, never excuse: "Help me understand what situations that happens in" is clarifying; "But I only do that to help" is defending
• The emotional reaction to feedback is normal — calm down and just listen

Common failure modes

• Responding with excuses in the moment: the most common and most damaging mistake
• Chasing one piece of feedback obsessively instead of listening for recurring themes across multiple conversations
• Failing to check back: after working on something for three months, return and ask "How does it look to you today?" — open-ended, not "did I fix it?"
• Coaching or developing in isolation without verifying progress with the people who gave the original feedback