Twelve Stoic strategies for caring less about others' opinions

Executive overview

We hand over our happiness to other people's opinions, yet those opinions are outside our control and disappear quickly. The Stoics — Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Cato, Diogenes — developed concrete practices to break this habit.

Stop outsourcing your self-worth to something you cannot control.

Why we get trapped by others' opinions

• Marcus Aurelius: we love ourselves more than others, yet care more about their opinions than our own
• Worrying about being disliked doesn't make us work harder — it paralyses us
• Ego makes us feel all eyes are on us; in reality, everyone is consumed by their own concerns
• Imposter syndrome: nobody is watching you — they are all busy with their own imposter syndrome

Diogenes and Cato: practising indifference deliberately

• Diogenes practised rejection by begging in front of statues; walked backwards into theatres to challenge convention
• When Alexander the Great offered him anything, Diogenes asked only that he stop blocking the sun — he had nothing left to want
• Cato wore near-black togas when white was fashionable; walked barefoot to accustom himself to being judged
• The goal is not to be transgressive but to build tolerance against social pressure, so you resist intellectual and moral trends too
• Chrysippus: "If I wanted to be part of the mob, I wouldn't have become a philosopher"

Cretes' lentil soup: nobody is watching

• Cretes made Zeno carry a pot of lentils through the Agora, then smashed it — soup everywhere
• Point: the mortifying thing you dread draws far less attention than you imagine
• People are not tracking your every move; they are living their own lives

The red thread: embrace what makes you unique

• Agrippinus, threatened under Nero's Rome, chose to stand out rather than conform: "I am the red thread in the garment"
• No one like you has existed before or will again — muting that is throwing away a monopoly on yourself
• Florence Nightingale's example: the chains holding her back from nursing "turned out to be made of straw"
• You cannot grow until you are willing to be seen as wrong, vulnerable, or a beginner

What is and isn't up to you

• Epictetus' first principle: some things are up to us, some are not
• You control effort, intention, output; you do not control how it is received
• Ambition ties success to external outcomes; sanity ties it to your own actions
• Guitarist Nita Strauss: you control how you show up, not what people project onto you

Getting perspective on criticism

• Marcus Aurelius: examine the person behind the opinion — what are their values, do you admire them?
• You wouldn't take driving advice from a bad driver; don't let someone you don't respect define you
• Criticism says more about the critic than about you

Fame is transitory — zoom out

• Marcus Aurelius on Alexander the Great and his mule driver: same fate, same ground
• People with millions of followers on platforms that no longer exist are already forgotten
• Jerry Seinfeld on Marcus: public praise is just "the clacking of tongues" — zoom out and it becomes absurd
• Contemptuous expressions: strip the legend from the thing — a bestseller list spot, a Nobel Prize — see it for what it actually is

Whose opinion does matter

• Seek solicited feedback from a small number of trusted people of proven character
• Commodus failed because he dismissed Marcus's wise advisors; Nero rejected Seneca
• Seneca: choose a person of high character as your internal standard — live as if they are watching
• Adam Smith's "indifferent spectator": act as if a fair observer is on your shoulder — not seeking applause, but not letting yourself down either
• The goal: deserve a good reputation, whether or not you receive one

Exposure as practice

• Donald Robertson (cognitive behavioural therapist): exposure is the most robustly supported technique in psychotherapy
• The Stoics anticipated this — face uncomfortable situations deliberately, in controlled steps
• Unfamiliar fears loom large because we avoid them; direct experience reduces their power

A filter for deciding whether to care

• Is this opinion wise? Is the person skilled in the area they're judging?
• Do they live by principles I admire? Would I trade places with them?
• Can I act on this feedback? Will I care about this in five or ten years?