How to identify what someone most wants to talk about

Executive overview

Most conversations miss what people actually want to discuss. When someone pushes an out-of-place personal detail into small talk, they're signalling what they're eager to share — but we deflect instead of engaging.

Andrew Warner, who has conducted over 1,000 entrepreneur interviews, developed a four-step technique called the Shoved Fact to catch these signals and open real conversations. The payoff is genuine connection: in business, people go out of their way for those they know personally, not those they only know professionally.

Asking a direct personal question and staying silent is the fastest path to real connection.

The Shoved Fact technique: four steps

1. Look for a fact that doesn't fit. The detail is pushed into conversation unnecessarily — "once you go through a divorce, everything takes twice as long" inserted into an apology for being late. It belongs there only because the person wants to talk about it.
2. Pick the personal one. People shove in all kinds of details; focus on the one that could build a bond, not a business update. A mention of a rocky personal weekend matters more than a cc to an accounting team.
3. Ask a question about it. Keep it simple: "You mentioned the weekend was rocky — what was going on?" Don't force it, but do ask directly.
4. Shut up. No qualifiers, no "you don't have to answer that." Every qualifier signals you don't actually want to hear it. Ask and wait.

Why avoiding the personal backfires

• Purely transactional relationships collapse when there's no business to do.
• People who bond personally go out of their way for each other; people who only share LinkedIn profiles don't.
• The instinct to avoid personal topics is common — and it keeps conversations shallow.
• Seeking the personal is not prying; it's what human beings are looking for.

On silence and asking tough questions

• Warner literally used to hit mute and press his hand over his mouth to stop himself from filling silence.
• Giving someone "outs" ("you don't have to answer") communicates unwillingness to hear them.
• Most people feel more comfortable answering a direct question than being offered repeated escape routes.
• After enough practice, the questions that feel tough turn out to be where real connection lives.

Storytelling as a complement to facts

• A Dale Carnegie insight Warner applies throughout: lead with a story, then state the point.
• Analytical communicators default to facts; facts don't create memory or engagement the way stories do.
• People remember the message but not that it was stories that embedded it.
• Avoid the word "story" with business audiences — ask for "an example" instead: "For example?" prompts a narrative without triggering resistance.
• Specificity unlocks stories: "Tell me about a time when..." focuses a person on one incident and opens the floodgates.