How to genuinely connect with people using the CUP framework

Executive overview

Most people enter social situations focused on themselves — "here I am" — rather than on the other person. The result is a world where people interact constantly but rarely connect.

The CUP framework (Connective questions, Uplift the energy, Praise) gives a simple repeatable structure for one-on-one interactions. At scale, two levers — sharing insight and issuing challenge — determine your influence with groups.

The shift from "here I am" to "there you are" changes every relationship you have.

The CUP framework for one-on-one interactions

• C — Connective questions: Ask questions about the other person, not the situation or external events.
• Questions should zoom in on them: what's important to them, how they're feeling, what they need.
• Enthusiasm for their answer matters as much as the question itself.
• The test: when you walk away, did you actually learn something about them?
• Most people end conversations without knowing the person any better than when they started.

U — Uplift the energy

• Your goal is to leave every interaction with slightly better energy than you found it.
• This isn't about solving their problems or knowing all the answers.
• Even in conflict, a small upward shift — a hug, an "I love you" — counts as a win.
• Most people have never consciously tried this, even once.
• Your positive ripple effect in the world starts one-on-one.

P — Praise

• Actively recognise the other person's strengths and effort.
• Praise is more than acknowledgement — it's "I see you, I respect you, I'm glad we're doing this."
• People are trying harder than you think; they deserve to hear it.
• Indifference to others is a significant cultural problem; praise is the antidote.

Growing influence with groups: insight and challenge

• To develop influence at scale, you need to be the insight instigator — the person who delivers aha moments.
• Share new research, ask new questions, introduce frameworks that shift how people think.
• Leaders who never share insight are seen as individual performers, not leaders.
• The second lever is challenge: people cannot reach flow state without challenge.
• Csikszentmihalyi's research shows flow requires tasks slightly harder than expected.
• Easy wins feel hollow; strenuous effort makes the payoff meaningful.
• Ask of your last broadcast, team call, or dinner: was there clear evidence of insight and challenge delivered?