Overcoming the feeling you don't belong in a leadership role

Executive overview

Many leaders — even experienced ones — feel they don't belong in their role, in the room, or in the organisation. This feeling drives disengagement, silence, and a self-reinforcing cycle that makes the problem worse.

The work is not behavioural but cognitive: surface the belief driving the behaviour, then choose a different one. If you were invited and you're at the table, you belong — the real question is whether you're accepted, and that is a separate problem you have agency over.

When and why it shows up

• Two main triggers: role change (promotion, stretch assignment, raised stakes) and being underrepresented in the room
• Key signal: feeling disconnected from peers or excluded from discussions
• Behavioural result: disengaging, going quiet, not asserting a point of view
• Opposite extreme: overcompensating and forcing your way through
• The cycle — others see your silence and wait for you to engage; you wait to be included; nothing changes

The belief underneath the behaviour

• Most leaders jump straight to tactics ("speak up more") without examining the underlying belief
• The belief "I don't belong" drives the behaviour; changing the behaviour without addressing the belief is a flash in the pan
• Every dynamic is co-created — even when exclusion is real, you still have control over how you interpret and respond
• Systemic bias and discrimination are real; the question is whether internalising others' beliefs serves you
• Only ~35% of adults (per Robert Kegan's research) reach a stage where others' approval no longer dictates their sense of worth

Belonging vs. acceptance

• Belonging and acceptance are different things — conflating them is where leaders lose power
• If you're physically at the table, you belong; being accepted by others is a separate question
• Seeking acceptance to feel worthy imports an unmet need into work that work may not be able to fill
• Trying to fulfil a long-standing need for validation through external performance reviews, salaries, and promotions is a trap
• Goal: hold both — "what I think of myself matters, and what others think matters, but neither one dictates my value"

Defining your value proposition

• The starting point for belonging is knowing what value you bring — not what you think you should bring
• Ask: what difference would it make if I specifically were not in this meeting?
• Common mistake: placing expectations on yourself to deliver the value that more senior people are supposed to deliver
• Clarify the role distinction — e.g. senior leaders make decisions; your job may be to provide information and alternatives so they can decide
• Nobody hands you a value proposition at senior levels; you have to define it yourself and use external input to test it

Finding intersection, not full alignment

• Isolation is the feeling; the antidote is finding where your goals and the group's goals overlap
• You don't need 100% connectedness — there are 99 gradations between zero and full alignment
• Focus on the intersection that matters for the work, not on full personal compatibility
• Some of the most instructive mentors are people you'd never socialise with — shared purpose is enough

Building supportive relationships

• If a group can't give you the sense of belonging you need, stop seeking it from them — find it elsewhere
• Peer relationships are often the blind spot, especially as leaders become more senior
• In the interim, identify a few people who can provide genuine connection; recalibrate what you take from the others

Turning the corner: going under the hood

• The shift happens when leaders pause before acting and ask: what am I telling myself that's driving this behaviour?
• Discomfort is the signal that something is changing — it means the operating system is being examined
• Beliefs are malleable; letting one go doesn't mean losing it forever — you're putting it aside, not deleting it
• Attachment to old beliefs comes from crediting them with past success; the fear is that letting go undoes that success
• Opening the aperture of available beliefs is the core skill — more options, more control