Building confidence through advice giving and growth mindset

Executive overview

Confidence is elusive not because we lack ability, but because we misunderstand how it's built. Most people seek advice when struggling; the research suggests the opposite move — giving advice — is more effective.

Behavioral scientist Katy Milkman draws on studies of students, housekeepers, and PhD programs to show that beliefs shape outcomes, that asking others for advice signals belief in them, and that designing goals with built-in emergency reserves prevents the collapse that follows any slip-up.

Confidence is less a trait to acquire than a system to design — through who you advise, who advises you, and what you do when you fail.

How beliefs shape outcomes

• The placebo effect is the clearest proof: expectations directly alter physical results.
• A Stanford/Harvard study found housekeepers told their work counted as exercise lost more weight and had lower blood pressure — with no other change.
• Reframing an activity changes how you perform it, not just how you feel about it.
• Expectations set by mentors function the same way — students whose advisor expressed absolute certainty in their success had markedly better outcomes.

The advice-giving effect

• Giving advice to a struggling person is demotivating; it signals you think they're clueless.
• Asking them for advice instead conveys belief in their capability and prompts useful self-reflection.
• Once someone articulates advice, the saying-is-believing effect means they start to believe it themselves — and feel compelled to follow it.
• A study of ~2,000 high school students found a 10-minute advice-giving exercise produced significant grade improvements in math and their target subject.
• The mechanism: articulating advice forces clarity, builds self-efficacy, and creates accountability.

Applying advice giving in practice

• Don't jump in with unsolicited guidance when someone is struggling — find a way to put them in the coaching role instead.
• Advice clubs: small groups at similar career stages who ask each other for advice on challenges. Every time you give advice, you benefit too — clarity, confidence, and mental rehearsal.
• When facing your own challenge, ask: "What advice would I give a friend in this situation?" — the mindset shift alone captures much of the benefit.
• Senior mentoring junior peers (as in a well-structured PhD cohort) creates community, reduces competition, and deepens the senior's own understanding.

Emergency reserves and the what-the-hell effect

• Tough goals produce better results than easy ones — but they also produce more slip-ups.
• When people slip up, the what-the-hell effect kicks in: they abandon the goal entirely.
• The fix: pair a tough goal with a small number of pre-declared emergency reserves (e.g., two per week for a daily goal).
• In randomised studies, participants with tough goals plus emergency reserves outperformed both easy-goal and tough-goal-only groups.
• Calling them "emergencies" matters — it signals the reserves are for genuine disruptions, not planned shortcuts. Participants used them sparingly and respected the framing.

Growth mindset and social environment

• A growth mindset (Carol Dweck) reframes failure as learning rather than diagnosis of incompetence — making it easier to feel proud across all outcomes, not just successes.
• The single most powerful confidence factor Milkman identifies from her own career: the people around you.
• Deliberately seek out mentors, collaborators, and friends who believe in you, achieve at a high level, and actively support others' success.
• There is no silver bullet for behaviour change — different challenges need different tools, often in combination, switching as barriers evolve.