How to handle passive-aggressive behaviour at work

Executive overview

Passive-aggressive behaviour is nearly universal — most people who exhibit it don't recognise they're doing it, and most of us have done it ourselves when stressed or feeling powerless. Labelling the behaviour directly usually backfires; addressing the underlying concern is far more effective.

The practical path: assume good intent, focus on what's beneath the surface message, and use direct but non-judgmental questions to open the conversation.

The person behaving passive-aggressively almost never sees themselves that way — address the need, not the label.

Why passive aggression happens

• Triggered by feeling powerless, overwhelmed, or unable to influence a situation through direct means
• Fear of conflict, rejection, or failure drives avoidance, which surfaces as indirect behaviour
• People doing it often believe they're maintaining harmony or getting their point across subtly
• Stress and cognitive overload lower the threshold — most people have passive-aggressive moments when swamped
• It sometimes works, which reinforces the behaviour

Why labelling it backfires

• Calling it out directly puts both parties at odds rather than drawing them together
• The person being labelled almost certainly doesn't identify with the label and will become defensive
• Humans are poor interpreters of others' emotions — naming the wrong feeling compounds the problem
• Reserve the label only as a last resort after multiple other tactics have failed

Focus on the underlying message, not the delivery

• Shadow boxing analogy: fighting the tone and manner is a rabbit hole with no landing point
• Ask: what is the actual concern underneath the indirect behaviour?
• Common underlying messages: "I'm afraid of conflict," "I don't think this strategy is right," "I feel disrespected"
• Address the need directly — this resolves the issue faster than debating the appropriateness of the delivery
• Confirmation bias compounds over time: once you decide someone is passive-aggressive, you start reading it into neutral behaviour

Hypothesis testing: opening the conversation

• Technique from Professor Gabe Adams: name the behaviour you've observed and invite explanation, without snarky tone
• Example: "I've noticed you haven't been responding to my emails — is there something wrong? I don't mean to pry, just want to be sure everything's OK."
• Tone is everything: the same words delivered with edge become an accusation
• Brene Brown's framing: "The story I'm telling myself is... I realise that's just my interpretation — what's actually going on?"
• This approach owns the interpretation rather than assigning intent to the other person
• The other person may still respond with "nothing's wrong" — accept that and don't retaliate in kind

Making a direct request

• Get clear on what you actually want before raising it — often it's not "stop being passive-aggressive" but something concrete like "attend the meetings" or "respond to follow-ups"
• Stick to observable facts, not interpretations: "You haven't joined the three meetings we've had" is not debatable; "you're being passive-aggressive" is
• Structure: state the facts, name the impact on you, make the specific request, offer an out if circumstances have changed
• Example: "You said you'd help with this project. You haven't joined any of the three meetings and haven't responded to last week's follow-up. I'm stressed because I can't do this alone. If you're still in, I'd like you to attend going forward. If you've changed your mind, I just need to know."
• Call the facts like a referee — no emotional loading, just what happened and what you need

Managing a direct report who behaves this way

• Managers often overestimate the control they have — salary and project assignment don't automatically make someone receptive to feedback
• Address it regardless, especially if it's affecting the team: passive-aggressive behaviour rarely stays contained to one relationship
• Tie feedback to a goal the person cares about, not a general complaint that "everyone is annoyed"
• Lead with perception, not diagnosis: "The perception is that when you say yes, people aren't sure you mean it" is far easier to absorb than "you're passive-aggressive"
• Shifting perception is a more actionable goal — it's not about changing who they are, it's about changing how they come across

The risk of artificial harmony

• Patrick Lencioni's concept: teams where surface niceness masks real disagreement and simmering tension
• Many organisations have a name for it internally — a culture of appearing agreeable while real views circulate in back channels
• Passive aggression thrives when people receive the message that it's not safe to disagree openly
• As a manager, tolerating it reinforces the norm; addressing it models that honest disagreement is acceptable

When tactics don't work

• No single approach guarantees change — the other person may not respond even to well-executed attempts
• Try multiple tactics across multiple situations before concluding nothing will work
• Rotating tactics matters: one failed attempt is not evidence that the whole approach is wrong
• You cannot force someone to stop the behaviour; the goal is to give yourself the best chance, not to control their response
• Trying genuinely and failing still leaves you in a better position than escalating or retaliating