Everybody is doing their job: thinking from the other person's perspective

Executive overview

Most conflict comes from assuming the best about our own intentions and the worst about others'. The Stoics inverted this reflex — treating others' missteps the way a calm parent treats a toddler's meltdown: expected, understandable, manageable.

Marcus Aurelius consistently reminded himself that people act from their own notion of good and evil. Understanding that notion replaces rage with compassion.

Perspective-taking doesn't excuse the other person — it gives you an off-ramp from your emotional reaction so you can respond strategically.

Marcus Aurelius on encountering wrongdoing

• Ask what notion of good or evil led them to act that way — you may have held the same notion once
• If you no longer hold it, that awareness makes forgiveness easier, not harder
• Treat daily friction like sparring: stay alert, avoid harm, but drop the suspicion and hatred
• Someone has to be the slow driver, the bad cop, the difficult neighbor — that is their assignment; patience is yours

Kennedy, Khrushchev, and strategic empathy

• During the Cuban Missile Crisis, Kennedy's advisors pushed for airstrikes; he paused to consider Khrushchev's position
• He recognised Khrushchev was likely acting from strategic weakness — a desperate move, not a confident one
• That reframe allowed him to offer an off-ramp rather than escalate
• Khrushchev responded in kind, and both sides found a diplomatic solution
• Understanding someone's motive does not mean endorsing it — it means thinking clearly instead of reactively

The fundamental attribution error

• When others make mistakes, we treat it as evidence of who they are
• When we make the same mistakes, we treat it as a one-off that doesn't define us
• Catching yourself misreading a text thread is the same error as misreading an opponent's intentions at scale
• Writing someone off based on a single misstep forfeits the chance to understand — and to learn