How to resolve workplace upsets through deeper listening

Executive overview

When someone is upset, they are usually defending an unspoken value or commitment — not just their stated position. Trying to argue the surface complaint keeps both sides stuck. Listen generously, then get curious about what the other person actually cares about.

Behind every complaint is something virtuous. Name that value and the conflict shifts.

The deeper listening approach

• Let the upset person be fully heard before probing deeper
• Ask what it is like for the other person on the other side
• Move past surface-level positions to what they genuinely care about
• Your curiosity elicits their curiosity — they start to see it too
• Once the underlying value is named, compassion replaces adversarial thinking

The principle from Kegan and Lahey

• Behind every complaint is a violated commitment or personal value
• Speaking to that value honors what the person honors
• That shared ground creates connection instead of opposition
• Upsets can shift rapidly once the unspoken virtue is named aloud