Overcoming people-pleasing to become a more effective leader

Executive overview

Leading from a need to be liked creates fear-driven decisions, diluted feedback, and stalled business growth. Laura Henshaw, CEO of the Kic app, shares how coaching helped her replace the need to be liked with a need to be respected.

The shift unlocked clearer communication, more honest feedback, and a healthier relationship with self-worth. Clarity is a kindness — vague feedback wrapped in reassurance fails both the person and the business.

Reframing the need to be liked

• The root desire was respect, not approval — a distinction that changed how Laura led
• Leading to be liked means giving feedback from fear, not conviction
• If you don't believe in what you're delivering, your team won't either
• Realising it's impossible to be liked by everyone made the goal obviously self-defeating
• Optimising for likability means not driving the business — an abdication of the CEO role

Giving honest feedback

• The "shit sandwich" backfires when praise is so thick the message disappears
• Radical Candour (Kim Scott): withholding feedback to protect a likeable employee sets them up to fail
• Feedback is a kindness; being clear is kind
• Hard conversations feel worse in anticipation — once started, they're usually fine
• Give people the benefit of the doubt; they may take the feedback better than you expect

Breaking the habit of reading trolling comments

• Reading negative comments online was self-administered fuel — a "whip" to keep driving harder
• The belief: "the whip is why I got here" — unpacking that showed it wasn't true
• Self-worth and work ethic are separate; how hard you work doesn't determine your value as a person
• Brené Brown's concept of "the arena": opinions from people not in the arena don't warrant weight
• Self-doubt still surfaces, but no longer controls decision-making

Avoiding burnout and managing spirals

• All-in-on-work means fulfilment depends entirely on business outcomes — and things always go wrong
• Spirals (tight chest, low motivation, shame) can last months if unchecked and spread across all areas of life
• Reframe failures from "I am not good enough" to "this didn't go as planned — here are my learnings"
• Separating yourself from the shame narrative (visualising thoughts as external) makes it easier to exit
• Atlas of the Heart (Brené Brown) on shame: naming the emotion is the first step to breaking its grip

Protecting time outside work

• Social connection is a recharger, not a luxury — skipping it when exhausted is the wrong call
• Ask: "When did time last pass without me noticing?" — that activity belongs in your week
• Schedule movement and social catch-ups at the start of each week; unplanned activities don't happen
• Running counted as work (content creation) — being honest about what truly recharges is essential
• Accept that some periods demand more from you; fighting that makes it worse

Responding from a calm state

• Never respond while emotionally triggered — no good outcome has ever come from it
• Step back and ask: what do I want from this? What do they want? How do I get to a win-win?
• Going in defensive puts the other person on the defensive; nothing gets resolved
• Talking it through with someone else breaks the loop of made-up assumptions
• A good night's sleep resets emotional state most of the time