Overcoming people-pleasing to lead with clarity and respect

Executive overview

Leading from a need to be liked erodes feedback quality, blurs direction, and puts you on a path you can't win. Laura Henshaw, CEO of the Kic app, realised her need for universal approval was driving fear-based leadership — and actively worked to dismantle it.

The shift: from needing to be liked to needing to be respected. Respect is achievable; universal approval is not.

Being clear is a kindness — vague feedback wrapped in reassurance helps no one.

Why people-pleasing fails as a leadership strategy

• When liked-by-everyone is an unspoken KPI, feedback gets buried or diluted
• The "sandwich" technique backfires when the difficult message is so padded it disappears
• Setting yourself up to be liked by all means setting yourself up to fail
• Withholding feedback to protect someone is what actually sets them up to fail — the Radical Candor (Kim Scott) example makes this concrete
• Fear-driven communication signals to your team that you don't believe what you're saying

Reframing: from liked to respected

• The core question Henshaw's coach posed: "Why do you want to be liked — is that actually what matters?"
• The real need was respect, not approval; untangling these is the first step
• Being dismissed early in her career as "one of the marketing girls" fuelled an over-correction toward seeking approval
• Realising the goal was impossible was freeing: you cannot run a business without someone disagreeing with every decision
• Empathy and directness are not in conflict — you can lead with both

Stopping the troll-reading habit

• Henshaw used negative online comments as a self-motivating "whip" — the belief that without that fuel, drive would disappear
• The Burnout book framing: the whip feels like the cause of success, but it isn't
• Breaking the habit required separating self-worth from work output
• Brené Brown's "people in the arena" framing helped: opinions from outside the arena don't count
• Confidence ebbs and flows; the goal is not to eliminate self-doubt but to stop being controlled by it

Recognising and breaking out of spirals

• Physical signals come first: tight chest, low motivation, feeling down — the body signals before the mind does
• Spirals that go unaddressed can last months and spread from one area into everything
• Technique: visualise separating the spiral thoughts from yourself, then reframe from "I am not good enough" to "this didn't go as planned — here are my learnings"
• Understanding shame (via Brown's Atlas of the Heart) makes it easier to name it when it's happening
• Naming it interrupts it

Avoiding burnout through balance

• All-eggs-in-work-basket thinking amplifies every setback; when work is the only source of fulfilment, every problem becomes existential
• Pushing without recovery produces brain fog, poor prioritisation, and shallow work
• Running can be a hobby or it can be content — Henshaw had to be honest about which hers was
• Social connection is a recharge, not a drain — even when exhaustion makes cancelling feel easier
• Scheduling movement and social catch-ups at the start of the week is the practical intervention; unscheduled intentions disappear

Reframing obligations as opportunities

• Shifting "I have to go to Sydney" to "I get to go to Sydney" changes the entire experience
• Gratitude and presence are directly connected: gratitude makes showing up easier
• We are in control of more than we think; treating events as happening to you versus through you changes your state

Never respond from an emotional state

• The instinct to correct or defend in the moment almost never produces a good outcome
• Let the emotion pass — a good night's sleep resets most reactions
• Honour the feeling; don't suppress it, but don't act from it
• Reframe from "they're wrong and I need to say so" to "what outcome do we both want, and how do I get us there?"
• Talking it through with someone breaks the loop of fabricated assumptions
• Win-win framing lowers the other person's guard; attack mode triggers defence, and nothing moves

Current mantra

• "I am good enough and I am safe" — the "I am safe" element triggers calm and is genuinely believed, which is what makes a mantra work