How to identify your values and stop feeling stuck

Executive overview

Feeling stuck often means your behaviour has drifted from your values — not that your goals are wrong. Clinical psychologist Dr Emily Musgrove outlines practical ways to surface your values and spot when you've lost touch with them.

Values disconnection shows up as avoidance: defaulting to whatever is easiest or least painful rather than what matters most.

Finding your values

• Start with a values questionnaire (e.g. Russ Harris's from The Happiness Trap) as a concrete entry point.
• The core question: what do I want my life to stand for — how do I want to show up?
• Values are about quality of behaviour, not moral virtues or abstract ideals.
• The 80th birthday exercise: imagine a milestone celebration and ask what you'd want friends and family to say about how you lived.
• Common values that emerge: curiosity, creativity, caring — use these as a platform to get clearer on behaviour.

Signs you've lost touch with your values

• A persistent sense of stuckness — a gap between what you care about and how you're actually living.
• Flat mood, going through the motions, heavy phone scrolling — all point to autopilot mode.
• Avoidance behaviours and quick-relief habits signal values disconnection.
• Some people are unaware of the disconnect; others recognise it but feel shame or grief about the gap.

Values are bi-directional

• A value like kindness applies inward as well as outward.
• People pleasers often act kindly toward others while neglecting kindness to themselves.
• Setting a boundary or saying no can be the more values-consistent act.
• The question to ask: am I honouring my values by over-exerting, or by saying no?