How to use comparison constructively instead of fighting it

Executive overview

The advice to "stop comparing yourself to others" is both ubiquitous and useless — comparison is hardwired into human biology. The real problem isn't that we compare; it's that we compare poorly.

Comparing only upward — against the top 10% — distorts reality and demotivates. The fix is to compare more comprehensively: downward, laterally, and against your past self. When you feel malicious envy, it's a signal worth decoding, not suppressing.

Comparison done well is a diagnostic tool, not a threat.

The myth of less comparison

• Science shows misery comes from comparing too narrowly, not too much
• We habitually compare our weaknesses against others' strengths
• Social media amplifies this by surfacing only others' top 10%
• Getting off social media doesn't eliminate comparison — it's present in any social environment
• Downward comparison (people earlier in the same journey) makes progress feel attainable

Setting a broader baseline

• Compare against a full range: beginners, peers, and experts — not just experts
• Liz (co-author) compared her early drawings to career artists, which killed motivation; switching to early-career drawers helped her continue
• Building community with peers at a similar level provides accurate calibration
• On social media: curate your feed toward peers, not just superstars — replace the trigger, don't just remove it
• You can still follow top performers without making them your primary comparison point

Benign vs malicious envy

• Benign envy: admiring someone and wanting to emulate them — motivates action
• Malicious envy: resenting someone for having what you want — a zero-sum mindset
• Malicious envy is triggered by perceived scarcity; in most cases, another person's achievement is evidence the goal is reachable
• Reframe: "I haven't done that yet" instead of "why do they have that and not me"
• If you're still stewing after a day, ask: what is this actually telling me about what I want?
• The productive question: is this person worth this much of my mental energy?

Bad days and upward comparison

• On difficult days, people spend 225% more time on social media — exactly when upward comparison is most damaging
• Going on social media when you're already down compounds distortion and loneliness
• Know in advance which platforms and situations trigger upward comparison for you
• Set time limits or avoid those platforms when you're not doing well
• Prepare a short list of two or three things you know make you feel better — decide in advance, not in the moment

The nitty gritty: comparing specifics, not highlights

• We compare others' highlight reels against our own behind-the-scenes footage
• The nitty gritty means piecing together the real day-to-day of someone else's position
• Liz envied a peer managing 200 people at a tech company — then realised that role meant back-to-back meetings and no creative space, which she hates
• Lawyers envying corporate peers' salaries often haven't compared the 100-hour weeks that come with them
• Two things the nitty gritty reveals: (1) you may not actually want their day-to-day; (2) there's something specific you do want — which you can pursue without changing everything
• Liz realised she wanted more visibility, not a bigger team — so she focused on building her LinkedIn presence

Comparing yourself to your past self

• We rarely pause to measure growth against where we started
• Ask: what have I learned recently? What was hard? How would I approach it differently now?
• Switching careers or starting over doesn't erase accumulated experience
• Others often see your growth more clearly than you do — ask them
• Reflecting on past achievements surfaces tactics and capabilities that can fuel present action

How to support others in difficult emotions

• Most people coming to you with a problem don't want it solved — they want to be heard
• Ask: "What would be most helpful right now — do you want me to hold space, get mad with you, or problem-solve?"
• People can answer that question quickly and accurately
• Offering specific options (e.g., "I can bring food, I can just be on the phone while you cry") removes the burden of asking from someone in distress
• Shifting from fixer to listener is hard if you've built your sense of value around solving others' problems