How to identify your values and stop living on autopilot

Executive overview

Most people cannot name their values — and those who can often act against them without realising it. Values are not goals or virtues; they are ongoing directions, like heading west: you never fully arrive.

Dr Emily Musgrove, clinical psychologist and author of Unstuck, outlines practical tools for surfacing values, diagnosing misalignment, and loosening the grip of unhelpful thoughts that narrow your choices.

Values only become useful when behaviour catches up with them — and that gap is where most suffering lives.

Finding your values

• Start with a values questionnaire (Russ Harris / ACT-based; free online) — asks what you want your life to stand for, not what you feel you should say
• The 80th birthday exercise: imagine a milestone event; what would you want people to say about how you lived? That answer reveals what matters most
• Values describe a quality of behaviour, not a moral position or achievement — curiosity, kindness, creativity, not "success" or "health"
• Health is not a value; it is an outcome — probe deeper to find the underlying direction

Living in or out of alignment

• Misalignment shows up as stuckness: flat mood, autopilot scrolling, going through the motions
• Avoidant behaviours (anything that provides quick relief from discomfort) often signal a values disconnection
• Some clients recognise the gap and feel shame; others have never considered values at all — both are valid starting points
• Values can evolve across a lifetime; some core ones tend to persist

The ACT bullseye tool

• Developed by Tobias Lundgren; divides a bullseye into life domains (relationships, work, hobbies, self-care)
• Mark where your behaviour sits relative to the centre — the centre means fully consistent with your values
• The further out from centre, the greater the distress; the exercise makes the gap visible and actionable
• You can return to your values moment to moment — there is no end state, only direction

Values are bi-directional

• A value like kindness applies to yourself as much as to others
• Saying no, setting a boundary, or speaking up can be the kind act — not a violation of the value
• People-pleasers often live one side of their values only; the other side requires the same attention
• Ask: "Am I showing up to this value by over-extending, or by pulling back?"

Cognitive fusion and defusion

• Cognitive fusion: treating a thought as fact — welding yourself to it so tightly it narrows your behaviour (e.g., "I'm a failure" → don't apply for the promotion)
• Cognitive defusion: creating distance between you and the thought so you can observe it without being driven by it
• The tiger analogy: fusion = pacing inside the enclosure; defusion = watching the tiger from the other side of the glass
• Core defusion technique: replace "I'm a failure" with "I'm noticing I'm having the thought that I'm a failure"
• Other practices: leaves on a stream (place each thought on a leaf, watch it float away); "thanks, mind, I hear you"
• The goal is not to banish thoughts but to loosen their grip and examine their workability — does holding this thought move you toward your values?

Detaching at the end of the day

• Physical boundary rituals matter: commuting in silence after a day of listening; changing clothes immediately on arriving home
• Meditation or breathwork at the transition point — even imperfectly (hallway between kids' bedrooms counts)
• Useful apps: Insight Timer (bell-interval meditation), Othership (breathwork)
• The practice models regulation for children and normalises it — imperfect consistency beats perfect intention

Working with boundaries and self-sacrifice

• Self-sacrifice schema is common among therapists; defaulting to yes and avoiding conflict takes deliberate effort to interrupt
• The boundary question: "What is this yes for?" — check whether it is wholehearted or obligation-driven
• Flip it: "What would show up for me if I said no?" — often the cost of no is smaller than assumed
• A micro-pause (one breath, "let me get back to you") is enough to interrupt the automatic yes