Building connections when networking feels terrifying

Executive overview

Most people associate networking with transactional exchanges that feel uncomfortable or fake. Social anxiety — present in 90–99% of people to some degree — makes this worse, triggering fight-or-flight responses, over-talking, avoidance, and rumination.

The fix is not to push through discomfort but to redesign how and where you network. Start with micro-interactions, find formats that suit your energy, and use vulnerability to shortcut surface-level small talk.

Networking is not optional — but how you do it is entirely up to you.

Reframing what networking actually is

• A 2021 University of Toronto study found people described transactional networking with words associated with feeling unclean.
• Networking doesn't require events with high-top tables and business cards — it includes any social interaction.
• Think of it like the gym: showing up and sitting there still builds the habit.
• Serendipitous networking — connections that happen unexpectedly — produces the best outcomes and the best stories.
• You can network from home, a coffee shop, or your phone; the medium is flexible.

Understanding social anxiety and energy

• Social anxiety affects 90–99% of people; it's biologically wired as a survival mechanism for social belonging.
• It's positively correlated with empathy — higher anxiety often means greater sensitivity to others.
• Symptoms vary: over-talking, under-talking, avoiding eye contact, looking for exits — all are safety behaviors, not rudeness.
• Introversion (energy source) and social anxiety (fear of judgment) are different things — extroverts can be socially anxious too.
• Know your social battery: identify how long you can sustain social energy and plan around it, not against it.

Preparing like an athlete

• Pre-event prep is as legitimate as a warm-up routine before a big game; skipping it produces the worst performances.
• Arrive early and mentally shift your role from attendee to host — greet people as if they're coming to your home.
• Do a location trial run: drive there, park, walk in, look around before the actual event.
• For speakers: don't spend social energy before a talk; save it for after.
• Plan your exit conditions in advance so you can leave before you hit empty.

Starting smaller than you think you need to

• Commit to one social interaction with a stranger every day — a sentence is enough.
• Go inside the bank or coffee shop instead of using the machine or drive-through.
• The spotlight effect is almost always wrong: people in a room are far too focused on themselves to notice you.
• During a 30-day challenge, asking strangers genuine questions consistently produced warm, open responses — not annoyance.
• Small daily interactions compound; they also act as a direct antidote to loneliness and seasonal depression.

Breaking through small talk

• Leading with "What do you do?" signals that work identity is what matters most — it keeps conversation surface-level.
• Use Dr. Carol Robin's 15% rule: share 15% beyond your comfort zone and the other person is implicitly invited to do the same.
• Opening with honest vulnerability ("events like this make me nervous, but I'm here") deflates the worst-case scenario immediately and pre-qualifies who your people are.
• Ask questions that crack people open: "What do I not know about you?", "What's the best advice you've ever received?", "Why did you move from X to Y?"
• Get comfortable with questions that require the other person to think — they almost always want to answer.

Creating networking environments that suit you

• Quiet networking: skip the loud party; organize a dinner with a mix of familiar and new faces instead.
• Sitting down feels less threatening than standing — design situations accordingly.
• If you want to attend something you weren't invited to, ask. Most of the time the answer is yes, or it opens a different option.
• On low-energy days, a Zoom call or a group post ("does anyone want to chat right now?") counts.
• In conversations, try one exchange where work never comes up — trust builds faster through non-work connection.

Making bold asks

• Stop waiting to be invited to speak — pitch yourself directly, even with social anxiety.
• A "no" often contains information: "you're not ready yet" is a roadmap, not a rejection.
• Michaela Alexis sent one LinkedIn message to a mentor she admired; that single interaction led to a viral writing career, leaving corporate work, and that mentor writing the first endorsement in her book.
• The regret of not asking is almost always worse than the sting of a no.
• Networking is not optional for career or personal growth — but the format is entirely within your control.