Choosing role models and helping others become better

Executive overview

We rarely choose our literal parents, but we can always choose whose children we want to be. Seneca argued that adopting a mental role model — someone whose example you carry into every decision — is one of the most powerful tools for self-improvement. Marcus Aurelius did this deliberately; the first book of his Meditations is a catalog of people he learned from.

The soul should have someone it can respect, so that even in thought, that person makes its inner sanctum more invaluable.

Epictetus and the stolen lamp

• A thief steals Epictetus's iron lamp; Epictetus responds with calm and humor
• His reaction: tomorrow I'll use an earthenware lamp — you can only lose what you have
• The theft served as a reminder that possession is transient
• Epictetus likely would have responded like the bishop in Les Misérables: "Take this silver and use it to become an honest man"
• Betrayal and loss can be met with mercy, forgiveness, and an invitation to be better

Choosing whose children we want to be

• Seneca: "We can choose whose children we'd like to be" (On the Brevity of Life)
• A respected inner witness reduces moral error — the soul needs someone it can measure itself against
• Marcus Aurelius treated adoption metaphorically: he catalogued mentors and their lessons
• Ryan Holiday names Robert Greene as an adopted father — someone who shaped his writing and models the person he wants to become
• James Baldwin told his nephew: choose what tradition you hail from, choose the stock you descend from
• We become descendants of great people by following their example, not by lineage

Setting your own example

• Think about whose footsteps you are following
• Consider what example you are setting for others who may one day choose to follow you
• The goal is not just self-improvement — it is to help others be better too