How to discover what people actually want as a leader

Executive overview

Leaders can't motivate people they don't understand — yet employees rarely tell you what they truly need, and often don't know themselves. Two universal needs drive all human behaviour: safety and self-esteem. Six reliable resources satisfy those needs: material rewards, competence/achievement, affiliation, autonomy, status, and moral purpose.

Discovering what people want requires earning trust first. Trust rests on two judgments: competence (can you deliver?) and warmth (do you mean well?). Familiarity and similarity are the fastest routes to both.

You cannot lead people you don't understand — and understanding them requires earning their trust before they'll tell you the truth.

The six resources people reliably seek

1. Material resources — money and property that buy physical safety and security
2. Competence and achievement — sense of mastery, growth, and professional progress
3. Affiliation — mutual care and belonging; feeling liked and protected by others
4. Autonomy — control over one's own choices; self-determination feeds both safety and self-worth
5. Status — recognition that one's existence and contributions matter
6. Moral purpose — feeling that work serves something beyond personal gain; does not require lofty goals

These six shift in priority across individuals, life stages, and contexts. Observing which ones are activated — not just asking — is the core leadership skill.

Why people don't tell you what they want

• Employees withhold because they don't trust the person asking, especially when that person comes from a position of authority
• Even when asked sincerely, people give easy answers ("more money") rather than reflective ones
• People often haven't done their own internal work — they don't fully know what's driving them
• What someone says they want and what actually fulfils them are frequently different things

Earning trust: competence and warmth

• Competence signals: I can trust your ability to deliver the resources I need
• Warmth signals: I can trust your intentions — you won't betray me when I'm not watching
• Both map back to safety and self-esteem: competent allies make you safer; warm allies affirm your worth
• Without warmth, even capable leaders face closed doors and surface-level answers

Familiarity and similarity as trust accelerators

• Similarity drives liking because it validates who you are — shared experience creates rapport
• Visible markers matter: dress, language, and the problems you share lower barriers fast
• Familiarity reduces uncertainty, and uncertainty feels unsafe — repeated exposure alone relaxes people
• Showing up consistently in someone's environment is itself a trust-building act, before any conversation happens

Case: call centre turnaround

A corporate strategic advisor — zero formal authority, deep distrust from the floor — needed to improve call centre performance without touching compensation.

• Stopped wearing suits; dressed like the floor
• Worked from a desk on the call centre floor one day a week, consistently, for weeks
• Joined informal coffee breaks rather than scheduling meetings
• Shared his own everyday problems (housing costs, neighbourhood trade-offs) to establish common ground
• When agents mentioned friction — a poorly written customer script — he used his corporate network to get it changed overnight
• Introduced a cafeteria slideshow of agents' outside-of-work passions: hobbies, side businesses, volunteer work
• Each small win confirmed both his competence and his intentions; trust compounded quickly

Result: within six months, call centre performance doubled. Engagement and belonging scores rose sharply. He was asked to replicate the approach across the company.

Practical framework for leaders

• Use the six resources as a diagnostic map, not a checklist — some will dominate for a given person at a given time
• Observe behaviour as much as you listen to words; actions reveal true priorities
• Act on what you learn quickly and visibly — fast delivery on small things builds the credibility needed to learn more
• Self-awareness matters as much as knowledge of others: understanding your own relationship with power shapes how well you can read and serve the people you lead